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I really want to be liked. There, I said it. It feels super taboo to say that out loud, although I know this is a far more common experience than it is not. I want to have peace with people. I have an open heart and I want to connect. 

And the truth is, it’s because I really like people! I mean, don’t get me wrong, humans are pretty whack a lot of the time but I have always genuinely loved getting to know all kinds of people for as long as I can remember. People are interesting and unique, and they continually surprise me with what they are capable of. 

I could unpack where my desire to be liked came from: moving around a lot as a kid, having to peacekeep with family and walk on eggshells with one of my parents while growing up. And I’m able to say all of that out loud thanks to the work I’ve done to build a practice of non-judgment in my life through mindfulness. I know that judging an embarrassing trait isn’t helpful, and there’s no need to be ashamed of normal human desires like belonging. And I know that it’s only with honest, non-judgmental awareness that we can bring things into light from our subconscious and make sure they don’t operate in unhelpful ways (thanks Carl Jung).

I’ll probably always want to be liked, however as I’ve grown in wisdom and (the ripe old) age (of 40), I know that being liked by everyone is an impossible task. 

When I first started showing up in my online business my shares were VERY curated and careful. Sometimes I find an old video of myself recording to share and it is HILARIOUS how composed I was trying to be. Of course there is a natural part of portraying a certain face to the world – professionalism – and being mindful of different settings for different purposes. And at the same time I sometimes wonder, what is the function of that?

As women, we are especially taught to be palatable and likeable. Always be kind and help others, place others above yourself. And don’t forget to be hot and sexy, and cute and demure, and polite and not too outspoken!

There is also a pressure as someone teaching mindfulness and de-polarization through dialectical thinking to do it perfectly to maintain credibility.  The System is always ready to take a bite out of you as a woman using your voice to dismantle it.

And then, I remember. That’s the whole point of mindfulness and dialectics – to soften the rigidity and demands for perfection. To show up imperfectly. To speak, and do, imperfectly. Because the alternative is to freeze, to fold, to fawn – and none of those are going to create a world with more balance and equity for all life forms. 

Slowly I’m unraveling the cookie cutter, ‘light & fluffy, ‘always soothing’ and ‘never make waves’ version of myself that Online Marketing in our Capitalist Kingdom would approve of. I don’t want to appeal to everyone, and I don’t want to lose my voice for the sake of… well, capital.

As I pivoted even more directly over this last year to address political topics (both on personal and professional pages), I’ve had the algorithm on Meta products significantly throttle my reach.  I’ve had ‘friends’ unfollow me and ‘thumbs down’ me. That’s OK. Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and ideas. 

And still, as a human there’s that scary feeling internally of being disliked, rejected. It’s a tender space. And I’m learning it’s also a sacred space. Being able to grow into the ability to tolerate that discomfort is sacred work. ‘They don’t have to like me. They don’t have to agree. They don’t even have to want to walk beside me.’

There’s the classic saying, ‘If you’re speaking to everyone, you speak to no one.’ And when you really think about it, being liked by everyone is actually a very lonely place to be.  Because that means people don’t see you or know you deeply. And not all souls are meant to walk closely in one lifetime.

What I know deeply about myself is that speaking up more boldly about oppressive systems and collective change is what my soul wants to do. I may lose opportunities, and I’ve decided it’s OK. Some people won’t want to associate with me, and I’ve decided it’s OK. It’s worth it, to maintain the freedom of my voice.

I live my life backwards for my granny self.  It’s something I started doing after going through the grief of losing 3 of my matriarchs in my late 20’s. Life is happening NOW, and this is the time to live in a way that my granny self will look back on proudly. What will make her feel at peace about how she lived? What does she want me to do?

She doesn’t want me to be liked by everyone. She doesn’t want me to take mis-aligned opportunities. She wants me to speak from my heart – and to do it imperfectly.  So that’s what I’ll try to do.

And I hope maybe you can find the courage to do the same. Because right now that’s what the world needs. Less people trying to be liked, and more people activated in their soul’s purpose however that looks.

Have you ever struggled with the desire to be liked? I’d love to hear how you handled it!

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