The USA has a conflict resolution problem.

TW: Abuse

I would consider myself to be a fairly conflict avoidant person, I prefer peace, love, and understanding as much as possible. And, I am also fiercely protective. I know the importance of speaking up, setting boundaries and saying no when personal or collective limits are being crossed and when harms are being done.  

When you’ve spent 16 years working in mental health and social work, entrenched in understanding abusive power dynamics, what’s happening on the collective scale right now is hair pulling.  The psychological deflection and mental manipulation that’s happening to negate harms and oppressive abuses is glaringly obvious to many of us. People are not trauma informed, and the level of comfort with abusive power dynamics is wild.  

You don’t have to look around too long to see that we live in a violent world. There are some people who want power over other people.  Many believe that’s a natural order. There are some people who think it’s perfectly fine to harm others. Abuses and harms occur on a daily basis.

As a therapist, I spent a handful of my early years working with children and youth who were highly traumatized and emotionally disturbed.  They had been deeply wounded, and their behaviors were often in turn harmful, whether towards themselves or others – understandably so. Understanding their behaviors didn’t mean that we then allowed them to harm themselves or others. Boundaries exist in life.

When you see first hand the victim/perpetrator pattern that is present in all walks of life, you know clearly the need to establish boundaries and consequences for harmful behaviors. Something I see on a collective level is massive amounts of conflict avoidance to the extreme – because we’re not taught how to handle it effectively.

There is this myth that is perpetrated about therapists or the mental health field, that it’s all ‘soft, accepting and understanding.’ I’ve heard criticisms about things like ‘gentle parenting’, which usually are only relevant when people have taken it to the extreme with a total lack of consequences or accountability. There is a whole pipeline of online content right now saying that therapy ‘just makes people victims’.  It is a complete mis-representation of the work that is done around experiences of abuse and trauma.

The heart of the work is re-empowerment. The heart of the work is re-learning boundaries, for self and towards others. These are things a well-practiced therapist will implement with clients, holding them accountable for their own growth as adults and simultaneously holding the oppressive and abusive systems and perpetrators accountable. There are consequences in a universe of cause and effect .

I realize that many people are walking through life in their own active trauma response as it is, so I deeply understand conflict avoidance. Individual healing is important and each person must know themselves, know what they need at different times in their life. Each of us has unique capabilities and capacity for navigating conflict.

You can see it in the collective US culture, we also have a conflict resolution problem.  It often presents in extremes: ‘Attack with aggression’ vs. ‘Avoid it at all costs’.

You cannot avoid conflict in this life if you are going to do anything to stand up to the systematic harms that have always existed in this nation. 

In a recent post I shared, we looked at the current reality that Life Is Political (check out the list I shared about systematic inequities and abuses that have required organized political action to change). We don’t have the luxurious comforts and freedoms that exist uniquely in the USA because everyone sat back and prioritized avoidance of conflict or speaking up.

I’ve seen this one a lot: ‘I hate conflict, and politics makes so much conflict so I just stay neutral, I want everyone to get along.’

There is a pervasive idea in the healing/wellness space, that talking about problems ‘just creates more division’. For example, ‘Don’t talk about racial prejudice! It just separates us more! Don’t talk about sexism, it just divides men and women more!’  I’ve seen a lot of people say things like, ‘Just focus on how we can all be more loving!’ And while I absolutely agree on the need for that, there is a slight problem with the idea that we can’t talk about harms because it ‘disturbs the peace’.  

Imagine if you had fallen down a hill and gashed open your knee. You ask your friend to take a closer look at it and stitch it up, but they say, ‘No! Don’t look at it! Just focus on the blue sky and the flowers!’ But your knee is bleeding and it needs to be stitched before going down the mountain. We cannot solve problems without looking at them and acknowledging them. It’s painful and uncomfortable, but we do have to talk about them.

Imagine if therapists took this approach, ‘No, No, No, you can’t mention the hurtful things happening, you just have to focus on loving yourself and others more!’

We don’t get to healing, growth, solutions, change…. Until we can look at, and accept, the painful things that ARE here RIGHT now. That doesn’t mean we STOP there or get STUCK there. It doesn’t mean we start defining ourselves by our wounds or pains, it means we work towards healing.

Think about all the mothers and grandmothers, when their daughters disclose abuse, who say, ‘Shh just move forward. Don’t talk about it again and it will go away.’ Undoubtedly doing the best they could with what they knew to try to prevent more harm, while simultaneously sometimes allowing continued harm. 

Many people are highly conflict avoidant, not only because we don’t have distress tolerance, but we also don’t have effective problem solving skills. Facing uncomfortable things becomes easier once you build distress tolerance and acceptance skills (lots of mindfulness in this). If we are going to advocate for a better world, we’re going to need those skills to do it effectively.

The truth is, conflict cannot be avoided on this planet. Reality is filled with conflicting things. Conflict is a facet of the universe. The tide washing onto the shore is a conflict of sand and water. A tree bending to the wind is a conflict negotiation of forces.

Speaking up to address inequities in the United States, whether they be economic, racial or sexist, is required to make progress. It is the nature of the oppressor or abuser to halt any of this discussion.  Systemic and abusive systems will create all kinds of deflections to keep people quiet.

-Blaming the victim as ‘causing the problem’ by speaking out.

-Labeling the victim as ‘selfish’ or ‘mean’ for standing up for themselves and setting boundaries.

-Making the victim question their sanity by gaslighting them and changing narratives or using ‘double speak’ to twist reality.

-Tell the victim they aren’t asking ‘nicely enough’ or to change their ‘tone’ when setting boundaries.

-The classic patriarchal dismissal of emotions, ‘Stop being a blubbering baby! Stop crying about it!’ 

There is a reason that online content is attacking therapy and mental health treatment (which is by no means perfect) right now. People are learning about boundaries and how to speak up and say no.

Having and setting boundaries is the nature of being alive. Your skin is a boundary. Avoiding conflict and having NO personal limits and boundaries cannot be the goal of any healthy interaction or deep relationship. 

The concept of inclusivity does not mean allowing & accepting harmful and abusive behaviors. 

Listen, here’s the good news. While sometimes we do need to assert ourselves with direct, clear and loud intensity to protect our safety or that of others, it does not always have to be a clanging symbol.

Dialectical Thinking helps us navigate conflicting ideas, needs and limits in a way that is the least harmful. Dialectical Thinking reminds us that we can BOTH be peaceful, doing the least amount of harm AND be fierce, standing up against oppression and systematic abuses. We don’t want to lose sight of either.

When we polarize into conflict avoidance, it allows a myriad of problems. And, when we polarize into aggressive forms of control and conflict management, it creates another myriad of problems.  It is through the middle path that we can be most effective. What do you think?

‘Freedom is never given by the oppressor. It must be demanded by the oppressed.’ – MLK