I have a genuine question.  Is it possible to speak up about inequalities and social problems without being labeled as ‘lecturing’ or ‘being on a moral high horse’?  You see it everywhere when someone advocates for needed changes or discusses problems in society and potential solutions, there is undoubtedly a cry of, ‘Oh you think you’re better? Stop lecturing, nobody wants to hear it! Wah Wah Wah!’

I knew a guy in college who was constantly speaking out against the government and inequities in the USA.  It annoyed the shit out of me. He talked a lot about US history and harms that had been perpetuated by the US government against the indigenous people, about the harms of pollution and consumerism. I mean, I knew about that stuff and it obviously sucked, but like, why did he have to focus on it so much?

It was really uncomfortable. And when I really took a look at why it was so annoying for me, it was for two reasons: it made me look at areas where I was contributing to the problem and it spoiled my fun.

Now listen, I think we can all agree that nobody on this planet is perfect and we all do harm to some extent or another, however hard we try.  Does that fact mean that we should just forget about all the problems and party on, middle finger up into the apocalypse of our own creation?

Ugh, but looking at the problems in our life and culture is SO not fun.  Especially if it doesn’t impact us directly in the moment. We are obsessed with immediate gratification.

Throughout my work as a therapist it has become more and more clear to me that we as humans have a shrinking tolerance for distress.  I’m not saying that we have ever liked pain or discomfort, but we used to live in caves and huts in the forest weathering storms and foraging for food.  Now we get Amazon doorstep delivery and we complain to the waiter if something was missing from our plate.

Our culture in the United States is particularly obsessed with comfort. It’s what we’ve been sold. We want our fancy 4-walls, hot water, roof over our heads, comfortable cars, immediate access, fast food, immediate gratification, overnight shipping, on demand, comfort maximizing, convenience prioritizing life – and we want it NOW!

The USA is not without poverty and inequity, but in the big scheme of things we live in one of the most luxurious times and places in human history.

Now listen, I love indulgence and comfort as much as the next. No shame in diving into what’s luxurious and lovely, however we are increasingly losing the ability to be uncomfortable.  And that’s a problem. 

This is a dialectic, a polarity, between ‘self-indulgence’ and ‘self-denial’… we want to practice BOTH/AND not EITHER/OR

We can’t handle physical inconveniences, let alone emotional ones. Advocating for needed social changes are both. Looking at our culture’s problems triggers sadness, anger, fear and guilt. We don’t know how to hold those emotions.  It also triggers the need to do what we each can to make changes in how we live, consume and relate to our neighbors.  

It reminds me of being a teenager in high school, when you’re talking with your friends in the back of the classroom and the teacher tells you to be quiet and listen to your peer as they’re giving their presentation up front. You feel a flash of anger and annoyance, which is usually a cover for the embarrassment, and roll your eyes.  But the teacher was right, we need to offer our peer the respect of our attention.

Being a part of a community and society is at times inconvenient. Compromising is annoying and inconvenient.  Hearing others speak up about pains they’re experiencing is uncomfortable.  

When you live in a hyper-individualistic society, you don’t have to worry about that stuff. If people don’t want to look at that need for change, or don’t want to make that change, they will do whatever they can to discredit or ignore the request. When someone advocates for solving problems, you inevitably hear the reply, ‘Get off your moral high horse!’ 

Identifying problems is not an act of moral superiority. It is simply an identification of a problem and the request for a solution. And yes, there is a pain and discomfort of noticing that.                                 

If someone got ran over by a car, and you yell to the crowd, ‘Come on we need to go help them!’ Would you say, ‘Stop acting better than everyone.’  If someone calls the fire station to report a fire, should the firemen respond by saying, ‘Who do you think you are, some super hero? Stop acting like you’re above everyone else in the community!’

There is no comfortable way to discuss problems in our life, culture and the world. The end. It’s uncomfortable. The solution isn’t for everyone to just shut up about their problems. It is for each of us to increase our capacity for distress tolerance so that we can listen with our whole hearts and then do what we can, imperfectly.