I hate meditation, and that’s why I need it.

This post was originally published on Substack. Join the conversation HERE!

I’ve recently joined a couple local meditation & mindfulness groups. I was deeply craving community of like-minded people who also practice mindfulness, and have care and concern for the world.  Before I became self-employed in 2022 I always had that community in my work peers and co-workers.

With everything currently happening in the world (no, this is not just politics as usual) leaving me feeling heavy, and especially angry at those cheering on the actual sociopaths leading our nation right now, I recognized the need for a recommitment to my mindfulness practice. 

I’ll tell you right now, I really don’t like meditation.  Now is probably a good time to clarify that mindfulness practice itself is not meditation. Mindfulness is a cumulation of practices and ways of living and being that you can apply any time, anywhere doing anything. Meditation is the focused practice of mindful awareness – I like to think of it as ‘going to the gym for your attention’.

Meditation is annoying, and uncomfortable (not always, but a lot). I can’t tell you the number of clients that have told me the same, ‘I don’t like it. I can’t sit still. I can’t focus. It doesn’t work for me.’  And I totally get it. 

And… that’s kind of the whole point.  None of us like to be uncomfortable. None of us like to sit still with our own mind, or possibly feel bored. None of us can focus our attention well at times (with research showing our attention spans are shrinking by the minute thanks to social media…so be sure to check: is it really ADHD or are you just existing in a productivity obsessed digital era that doesn’t allow your neurochemistry to focus and settle? Disclaimer: Yes, ADHD is a true genetic difference that many people experience I am not negating that it is real and has existed prior to the digital era because it has.  Check out the theories on our Hunter/Gatherer DNA and that link to ADHD!). 

Of course meditation is uncomfortable. So, the problem being – life is uncomfortable, much of the time.  It’s when we don’t know how to sit with discomfort, and when we react to discomfort in unhelpful ways that only worsen problems, that we really up the volume on our suffering. So many people think the goal of things like therapy or any other self-improvement practice is to feel ‘happier’ and more comfortable. Certainly there is some work to be done there, however much of it is about increasing our capacity for experiencing life as it often is – painful, inconvenient and uncomfortable.

This week in one of the groups we were sitting outside at sunset in the midst of our 30 minute silent meditation. The sounds of birds were chirping and there was a gentle breeze on my skin. And then – amidst the practice of Zen – blasted the sound of sirens. Loud, alarming sirens. Possibly an ambulance, it sounded more like police, who knows!  They kept WANGING for what felt like forever.

Initially I observed the sensation of being startled, and I noticed the urge to look around. I noticed a thought, “I wonder what happened? I hope everyone is OK.” I then noticed the irritation that my peace had been disturbed. And that’s when I remembered – this is why we meditate.  To notice. To practice allowing sensation – peace or irritation – without the resistance that then creates unneeded suffering.

There was nothing for me to do to change that moment. I couldn’t chase the ambulance down to see if they needed help. I certainly wouldn’t chase it down to demand they turn off the sirens. I simply had to allow the wanging sound of sirens to wash over my eardrums as I inhaled and exhaled.  Yeah, meditation sucks.  But it’s so powerful.

Doesn’t it feel like the whole world is full of sirens right now?  Some of you may be experiencing direct sirens in your personal life.  Many of us are watching the sirens blaze for others – people and groups that we care deeply about.  So how do we live our lives with sirens blazing around us? How do we keep from becoming paralyzed by emotion?

Balancing Acceptance And Change

One of the most common dialectics that I work with my clients on, is balancing the polarity between wanting / pushing for change AND acceptance of the moment as it is. 

When there are sirens blazing and valid problems that need to be solved in our life or the world, naturally we need to take action to address them. Mindfulness practice and meditation are NOT about becoming entirely passive lumps of group that just stare placidly at the clouds rolling by.  Sometimes I want to shake the progressive activists that shame people for rest and self-care, because practices like mindfulness are what CREATE the resiliency needed to enact effective change.

Once we have done what we can however, and in other situations where maybe we are completely powerless to enact change immediately, that’s when we have to remember to balance change with acceptance. When you get stuck polarized into pushing for change, constantly, that’s when you burn out. This is when you spin your wheels in the mud, and your physical and mental health suffers.

Learning to accept the present moment exactly as it is requires distress tolerance. There are many practices that build this, and mindfulness and meditation are big ones. Can I hold space for this discomfort in my body? Can I hold space for the extreme pain that is present in this moment? Can I hold space for the grief that this moment is not what I wish it was?

Remember, with dialectical practice we can BOTH work towards change AND radically accept every single moment at the exact same time. This is a paradoxical practice. “I don’t like this moment, it’s uncomfortable, and I’m going to work to change reality. And, while I do that, I will surrender and accept what is here right now.”

>Acceptance does not mean approval. It is not making light of tragedy or current pain.

>Acceptance does not mean giving up. It does not mean letting harm go un-recognized or un-addressed.

Where some people struggle with polarizing into pushing for change too hard, some people struggle with polarizing into acceptance. They swing over into the other extreme of giving up, not working towards goals, not addressing changes that need to be addressed.  This is not what we’re going for. 

This is what dialectical practice and mindfulness practice is all about: The ever unfolding awareness of where we may be stuck in one extreme and becoming ineffective (for example ‘change’ or ‘acceptance’), in order to gently and intentionally bring our way back closer to the ‘Middle Path’. We will always fluctuate on the spectrum, and nobody is ever ‘perfectly balanced’ on the Middle Path all the time.  But without our mindfulness practice, we’re blazing forward in the dark.

Going to my meditation groups is inconvenient. Sitting down with a group of strangers (slowly becoming acquaintances) to meditate is awkward. Taking time in the morning to do my 20 minute meditations that my Sensei has prescribed is annoying AF?!  And you know what, so is life.

So I would encourage you, if you have found yourself struggling with the pain of life on this planet at this moment, do what you can to address the problem, and then sit your butt down and take some deep breaths. Tending to your own heart and nervous system when it is on fire and blazing sirens is not a weakness, it is not laziness or apathy – it is a human need. You are not being selfish by taking time to re-regulate and build resilience.

If you ever need support in this area, I’m just an email away.

What helps you be present with the pain in life? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

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