What Exactly Is Grief?

We’ve all experienced it, whether in the loss of loved ones or more subtle life changes where we lose something less tangible.  When life roles change we may lose a sense of self, when a societal shift happens (like in 2020) we lose a sense of familiarity and normalcy.  Jobs, friendships and home environments can be lost.  

Grief is a process worth understanding, because chances are you will move through it many times in your life.  Grief is transformative no matter what, and it can also be quicksand that keeps you stuck if you’re unable to move through it.

Image By: Katie Drazdauskaite

I’m not going to tell you a loss was ‘meant to be’ or ‘for the best’.  We can’t sugar coat the gut wrenching feeling when something or someone dear is lost to us.  Then there’s ‘complex grief’ where maybe that someone had also harmed you in various ways, but losing them still hurts.  There are times where loss brings relief, if someone’s suffering ends or the experience of ‘sitting on the edge of your seat’ while someone self-destructs is finally gone.

This is a heavy topic – but it’s one we can’t steer away from.  I talked in last month’s blog post about the fact that we cannot avoid painful emotions in life and that each emotion has a biological, survival purpose.  Many of our problems in life arise from efforts to avoid painful emotions.  We push them down, or we act impulsively in a way to try to change a situation and make it stop.  We avoid things that need to be done.  Many people mask painful emotions with substances, sleep or constant distractions.

Feel the Feels

If I could give one of my main pieces of advice:  learn to BE WITH your painful emotions.  Emotions themselves don’t harm us.  Are they uncomfortable?  Hell yeah.  But they don’t last forever.  And you know the old saying, what we resist persists.

Grief is a mixture of many painful emotions:  deep sadness, anger, fear, guilt.  Often times when people lose loved ones, there is a feeling of guilt of leaving someone behind, for continuing life, experiencing happiness, or of memories fading (which is only natural that they will, and does not subtract from the person’s importance).

One the other end of the spectrum from avoiding painful emotions, is when people get stuck in them.  Sometimes we keep painful emotions around longer than they need to be.  I know I’ve done my share of wallowing, going back to things and ruminating in an ineffective way that simply keeps the painful experience alive longer than it naturally would.

Photo By: Federico Bottos

So how do we move through grief? 

Let’s start by reviewing the 5 Stages of Grief developed by Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross.  It’s important to note that people don’t move through these stages progressively, and it’s normal to ‘jump around’ between them.  Everyone’s experience is unique.  There is also not a timeline, but in cases of personal loss it can be pretty intense for up to a year or more.  

Let’s dive in:

• Denial – When any kind of major ‘shift’ happens in our life, the brain tries to grapple with the transition.  It’s typical to have a feeling of shock and disbelief, a sense that ‘this can’t be true’.  What was normal, is no longer, and it takes our nervous system some time to adjust and integrate.
• Anger – Naturally when we lose something or someone that was important to us there is a reaction of defense.  Anger fires when our goals are blocked, or something is perceived as ‘unfair’ or ‘unjust’.  It’s our natural defense mechanism.
• Bargaining – Of course with a loss we want things to return to normal.  We may beg and bargain a lost relationship – or even to a higher power – to return things to what they were.
• Depression – There is a period of deep and heavy sadness or depression.  This can come with sleeping more than usual, lack of energy, headaches, stomach aches, low motivation, isolation and hopelessness.  Again, the only way out is through.
• Acceptance – Eventually we start to adjust to the new way of being.  Our brain starts to integrate the changes and there are periods of increased energy and hopefulness.  This is where we now begin to accept the new norm.  It doesn’t mean there isn’t still sadness, or that there’s not a sense of loss that always lingers in certain moments.

OK, so this is all great to know… but how do you get through all of that without imploding?

Photo By: Kinga Cichewicz

5 Tips For Moving Through Grief

1. Be patient and gentle with yourself.  Allow yourself to rest, sleep and take time off work and normal life roles.  Allow yourself to be right where you are, acknowledging the pain you’re experiencing, and reminding yourself that this intensity of experience will eventually shift and subside.
2. Move it through your body.  Emotions fire in our nervous system and are a ‘full body’ response.  It’s important to cry and release the hormones that are surfacing.  Find a way to move anger through your body, whether it be exercise or simply ‘shaking’ your body or even hitting a pillow.  It may sound cheesy, but ancient cultures would have community mourning where rocking and chest beating was a way to move through the emotions.  There is an ENERGY behind emotions that we cannot squelch, and if we do, it causes problems (including physical health problems).  Moving through the energy in effective ways is so important, because otherwise it can ooze out negatively.
3. Rituals.  Find a way to say goodbye and symbolically transition from one phase of your life into the next.  In the case of death it’s often in the form of a memorial or funeral, but there’s other stages of more personal ritual that can go along with that.  Whether it’s writing things down in a journal, burning your writings or tossing something (biodegradable) into the ocean.  It’s important to have a ritual to place a capstone and goodbye on a loss, so that we don’t remain in murky waters of transition over time. 
4. Reach out for support.  Of course there may be times when you don’t want to talk to anyone, and that’s totally fine, but in the long run it’s super important to connect with friends and family around your feelings and experience.  There is healing in collective support, being heard, and supported.  People don’t always know how to console someone in grief, so sometimes we have to teach them.  Tell friends and family exactly what you need, whether it’s just a listening ear or a hug.  It can help to tell people you don’t need solutions, or to be ‘rushed’ through your process.
5. Find meaning in the loss.  I know, I know… this one’s hard.  Research shows however that people who find meaning or purpose in hardship have a higher long term resiliency (less depression, anxiety).  Finding meaning in something doesn’t mean you’re approving of it, or saying it was ‘good’.  It’s about reflecting on how you will grow, learn and change (in positive ways) because of this loss.  It’s looking at the bigger picture.  Maybe you will volunteer and give back to honor a loved one, maybe you’ll reach out to loved ones more often, maybe you’ll change something about the way you’re living your life for the better.

The most important thing to remember is to listen to your own needs and intuition, balance rest and going inward with re-engagement in life as you’re feeling more ready.  You’ll bounce in and out of this so take the pressure off.  ‘It comes in waves’ is such a truth, as things in your environment remind you of the loss expect surges of emotion. 

Remember your strengths and resiliency.  Experiencing these things is not a sign of weakness or ‘breaking down’ – it’s all a natural part of the process.